What it takes

What it takes.

Comfortably Blind – Part 2


Getting ready…

Lucy Ja-EEn Cuh-Louse

That’s how she says it, Lucy Ja-EEn Cuh-Louse. She’s my Lucy Jeane and I love her more than I ever thought possible.

The world knows me as her “Aunt Megan”. If you ask her, she’ll tell you that yes, I am her aunt. But really, I’m her Meggie. She has never called me Megan. From the moment she could speak, and I tried and tried to get her to say “Megan”; she finally looked me in the eye and said, “Meggie”. Obviously.

I know you can’t have favorites, but I doubt very much I will ever be as close to a niece or nephew like I am with Lucy. In the end, she’s my first and she will always be my favorite Lucy Jeanne. Living with her family for the first 4.5 months of her life, I knew exactly what she needed every moment of the day. 2 years later, it’s not the same. Still, we’re close and I can always, always make her listen/mind/calm/laugh.

She’s my Lucy Jeanne, and I love her more than I ever thought possible.

A few weeks ago, I ran alongside her stroller as her mom and I ran a mile race in a charity run. She looked at all the runners and kept commenting on how cool it was. When we were walking back to the car (this time only the baby was in the stroller) she begged me to run with her, so we hopped along, holding hands the last 50 ft to the car. When she got home, she told her dad all about the race and how she wanted to do it again, with him and with me.

Over memorial day, I told her and baby-Iana that they were my favorite two nieces. Lucy, put down her spoon, looked at me and said, “You can only have one.” She’s three-years-old.

That’s it. She’s smart. She loves me more than she understands and she’s My Lucy Jeanne, and I love her more than I ever thought possible.


In the past week:

– Bought a one-way ticket to Thailand

– I completed my first college degree

—> 29 roommates, 7 years,$5.5K in debt, 5 countries, 5 cars,  3 universities, 1 community college, 1 major, 1 BS  in Interior Design. Very, very little sleep.

Waited happily for Saw a roommate move out

—> I’m so glad that’s over. Lesson learned: Don’t live with people you don’t know unless you KNOW they have learned to respect other people. Just don’t do it. Ever.

– Finished up 2 jobs

—> Note to self: Maybe try not to be employed at the same place you study, if you expect to miss any of it. Ending everything all at once is a bit intense.

– Met to review my internship

—> Both wonderful and awful at the same time.

– Ran a half-marathon

—> My timing was horrible. Tomorrow that won’t matter. Today, I minorly hated myself for training 10x as much, much smarter, but barely beating my run/walk time. If you’re not a runner, I know you’re thinking, “Good grief. Get over it.” I will. I will get over it and shortly. In the meantime. I’m reminding myself that I did for a greater cause, and no matter what – these past 5 months have been worth it.

—> Also, running in honor of two amazing people who are no longer here, makes crossing the finish line an incredibly emotional experience. I wanted to call Grandpa so very much, and knowing I couldn’t made my heart ache so much more than watching him die.

I’m a little tired; and kind of in awe of the craziness that my life is, yet how incredibly lonely life can seem at the same time.
Tonight, I made Thai for dinner. Oh MY Gosh. Seriously. Longest meal to prepare EVER! I’m always thrilled with how it turns out, and invite friends to join me because it’s always better with friends. Thai food should always be eaten family style, friends. Always.

What I want…

Can I let you in on a secret? I guess it’s safe, since currently no one knows this blog exists. YOU are nonexistent. I don’t think that will last much longer, I’m going to have to go public pretty soon. I know it.

So – the secret. It’s wonderful to get Exactly What I want. And terrible. There’s no room for childish whining, or panic or surprise.

I’m graduating in 2 weeks. Two months later, I’ll be going abroad for several months. This makes sense. No one that knows me is surprised by this turn of events. I always knew I would graduate and leave shortly afterward. I’ve always wanted to get back out THERE – away, somewhere new. It’s time.

Please turn your backs – I’m about to cry.

When will it end?

This last month has been a doozey, a horrible, no good, very bad day. I mean, month. Horrible.

I have questions about my future which terrify me. My health has GONE OUT THE WINDOW. I had a car accident. I drowned my phone.

My computer needed serious work, 72 hours before a major project was due (as in, part 1 of 2 in my capstone project). I have money issues. I am worn out.

Wednesday, my mother and I drove to North Carolina to be there for my grandfather who had taken a turn for the worse. We arrived, shocked at how weak he had become, but amazed at how not about to die he seemed.

For the next two days, we stayed by his side, and begged the rest of our family to hurry. They came, every single one of them (mad chaos ensued). Some of them had to go home, and the next day Grandpa got worse and worse.

Finally, surrounded by family Frank C. Skiles, Jr. passed away on Monday, March 12th.

In the days leading up to his death, I prayed like I’ve never prayed before: Not for healing, not for strength. Just for relief. Just for an end. For the fight to be over, pain to leave and the journey to be complete.

Now that he’s in heaven, I am not sad for him. I don’t miss him, I will, but right now – I’m just so relieved to know he’s joyfully walking, and talking and laughing with my grandmother again.

Instead, I am sad in the most selfish, meanest way for myself. Angry that I am still here, and overwhelmed and tired. Worn out by this month, and running low on hope for smoother future.

They say trials bring out your strength. Folks, friends or strangers – there has not been any beauty portrayed. This month has been ugly. I have been ugly and grumpy with myself, and thereby everyone around my. I don’t know where to start, how to make a better future. I am weak and weary, but unfortunately still just angry enough not to give in and…well, be nice. To believe that the God I profess to follow will care fore me if I just let Him.

This is it – hanging on and punching everything in sight.


Learning to rest

This week, I am learning to rest. Not by choice, mind you. By mandate. Mandated by my body.

I nearly passed out in class the other day, trying to lecture second-year students on 3-Dimensional Drafting. Then I ran to the bathroom, ready to vomit. I did not pass out, nor did I lose my lunch. I did, however, forget everything I had said and cried at school. I called my doctor, my sister, my mother.

As it turns out, talking too much set off Bronchial Spasms, and I couldn’t get enough oxygen. Funny thing, I felt fine – until I couldn’t hear anything or remember what I was saying.

I had a friend drive me to Urgent Care, dragging her into the exam room with me and making her sit through the boring details of how long I’d been coughing, what happened, what medication may or may not work. Oh, and being told to rest.

This was terrifying. I’ve been scared before, felt helpless and worried – but never so convinced that I needed a break. That I MUST rest, or I would completely destroy my physical self.

I can’t decide if I’m more annoyed that a) HAVE to rest b) The whole thing was so dramatic, but I felt fine 36 hours later c) That I wasn’t aware enough to prevent it d) that i NEARLY PASSED OUT in front of 20 students and my boss e) I can’t train for the mini-marathon, and that really bothers me.

Tomorrow I have to work. A lot. How will this work? I’m praying, a lot. I’ve only done about 3 hours of work in 48 hours. That’s nothing, I had a plan of completing at least 20 hours this weekend.
But God and my body said NO. Dear Lord, I’m scared I’ll fail.

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