Learning to rest

This week, I am learning to rest. Not by choice, mind you. By mandate. Mandated by my body.

I nearly passed out in class the other day, trying to lecture second-year students on 3-Dimensional Drafting. Then I ran to the bathroom, ready to vomit. I did not pass out, nor did I lose my lunch. I did, however, forget everything I had said and cried at school. I called my doctor, my sister, my mother.

As it turns out, talking too much set off Bronchial Spasms, and I couldn’t get enough oxygen. Funny thing, I felt fine – until I couldn’t hear anything or remember what I was saying.

I had a friend drive me to Urgent Care, dragging her into the exam room with me and making her sit through the boring details of how long I’d been coughing, what happened, what medication may or may not work. Oh, and being told to rest.

This was terrifying. I’ve been scared before, felt helpless and worried – but never so convinced that I needed a break. That I MUST rest, or I would completely destroy my physical self.

I can’t decide if I’m more annoyed that a) HAVE to rest b) The whole thing was so dramatic, but I felt fine 36 hours later c) That I wasn’t aware enough to prevent it d) that i NEARLY PASSED OUT in front of 20 students and my boss e) I can’t train for the mini-marathon, and that really bothers me.

Tomorrow I have to work. A lot. How will this work? I’m praying, a lot. I’ve only done about 3 hours of work in 48 hours. That’s nothing, I had a plan of completing at least 20 hours this weekend.
But God and my body said NO. Dear Lord, I’m scared I’ll fail.

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In which my actions discount my beliefs

I have a busy life. Often too busy. For example, my gravatar: the image was taken at a baking party the day before the first day of the semester. That little celebration followed pre-church work, church, and my house-cleaning job. After the party, I rushed off to a business dinner, ran errands and did NOT get to bed early before my 9 am class.

I have 4 part-time jobs this semester. I’m on the board of a student organization. I nag my roommates about their responsibilities. I attend church. I run. I am a full-time student. I’m working on a number of post-graduation plans. I attend community events. I volunteer. I cook several times a week. I’m raising money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. I visit my nieces and keep up a decent relationship with at least 4 of my immediate family members. I have approximately3 long-distance friends I contact on a monthly basis, another 8 I stay connected with on some level. I pray – hourly. I do not eat junk food. I do not read my bible often. I dance and party when I can. I know what’s going on in my city. I’m available when my friends need me, and constantly ask for girl-dates.

I do a lot. My friends and family are constantly asking me to slow down. Quit something. Rest. I don’t. I waste time. I waste too much time, it’s almost as if I want to prove I am not SO busy – I can waste time.

I usually feel like I’m behind. And sometimes I am.

Here’s the catch. It does not matter. In two years I will either be just as busy, or I will lead a quieter life. My value will not change. I am learning accomplishments do not matter. While accomplishing much, by the world’s standards. This phase of my life is ironic, I am constantly fighting the concept that I must accomplish much to have value, yet believing just the opposite, and yet – I have accomplished much. In such a state, it is hard to not just pat myself on the back and work harder. Instead, I am working NOT to soak it all in and be prideful.

 

You are beautiful

Yes. You are.

Typing at my dining room table, I catch sight of myself in the window in the window across the room. And realize I’ve finished a wonderful hair day. My make-up still looks great. And I nearly cry.

You. Are. Beautiful.

Today. Today I was busy. Today I was annoyed and harried and bothered. Beautiful? Not me.

You. Are Beautiful.

Frustrated and annoyed. How many times have I wished someone else would believe I am beautiful? No one has said that in far too long.

You are. Beautiful.

Will you notice? Will you believe? He made you. Beautiful. Glorious. Lovely.

He made no mistake and He delights in you.

Did you notice?

You are Beautiful. Today.